221B: Sex doesn't alarm me

BBC Sherlock

Rating 12+ (depending on your imagination)

Spoilers: Minor for Scandal in Belgravia. Inspired by a comment by Shoudboverthis.

"You're pick-pocketing Lestrade's phone now?" John said, when Sherlock gleefully produced it.

"He was being particularly irritating today."

"Well, maybe he's in a bad mood because his marriage has recently broken down, which would piss off anybody. And especially leave him feeling pissed-off with the person who's been providing a tactless running commentary on the disintegration of said marriage for months."

"But do you know why I pick-pocketed his phone now?"

"Because you're a git. A very clever git, but still a git." That was an easy deduction.

"To see what he's been saying to Mycroft."

John's jaw dropped. "Do I want to know?"

"Mycroft's been lusting after Lestrade for years. Now he's available, he'll try and make a move. I want to hear him being rebuffed." Sherlock opened the phone and started scrolling through the folders on it. Then his jaw dropped.

"I take it, then, Mycroft hasn't been rebuffed," John said eventually.

"There are photos of them together doing... things. I think my brain may be broken."

"Let's have a look," said John, and Sherlock handed the phone over. "Oh, that's not so bad, as long as you're careful. Done that sort of thing myself, actually."

"You have?" Sherlock demanded, in horror.

"Yeah, though you'd obviously have to be even more careful if you did it with another bloke."

221B: The measure of a woman

BBC Sherlock

Rating: 12 (sexism and implicit violence)

Spoilers for Scandal in Belgravia



The secret to defeating men is letting them think they're winning. Irene's known that since she was twelve, rewarding the boy who did her French homework with French kisses. She's given a lot of men a lot of pleasure since. And extracted an excessively high price in return.

Her safe comes with two combinations: originally, one would open it safely, the other would set off an alarm. Now, thanks to a gun expert who enjoyed Irene's version of Russian Roulette, the person who opens Irene's safe with the wrong combination will be shot.

No, the man who does. A woman might well be suspicious about Irene's combination supposedly being her vital statistics. Realise that there are days when even the most attractive woman doesn't want to be reminded that her body's not the perfect shape.

On the other hand, the two men who have forced her to reveal that her key-code is 32-24-34 have thought it funny and plausible that a woman – a sex worker – would be so vain. Though Irene had the last laugh, naturally, over their lifeless bodies.

For a clever man like Sherlock, there's the extra twist: letting him deduce the wrong combination himself. Though she does tip him the wink just before he opens the safe; she might yet want to make further use of that brain.

221B: Things that go bang in the night

BBC Sherlock

Rating: PG (preslash?)

Spoilers: for Hounds of Baskerville.

Inspired by a post by flawedamythyst complaining about the multiple guns turning up in Hounds.



Greg's voice on the phone had the no-nonsense toughness that Mycroft was coming to adore.

"Your operation's still leaky, Mycroft. Sherlock knew I was armed."

"A deduction rather than a leak."

"I wasn't carrying the gun when I met him."

"Sherlock is aware that on occasion, for his own protection, I have his colleagues, friends, carry weapons. Anything rather than letting him near a gun."

"Right. But what about the third pistol? Mr Knight's? Did someone nick that from Baskerville? I hear the security's not much cop."

"No. Even a thief or a black-market arms dealer might think twice about letting an unstable young man like Henry Knight near a handgun. Only one person would think that a good idea." Mycroft waited, wondering if Lestrade would be able to follow his reasoning.

"Oh, you mean Dr Frankland gave it to him? In the hope he might shoot someone and end up in Broadmoor, or kill himself?"

"Exactly," Mycroft replied with pleasure. "Frankland picked up more than sloppy speech habits in the US, it would appear. I thought he might have more of his arsenal still on him, which was why I wanted you armed. I don't approve of guns, but they are sometimes necessary. If left in the capable hands of a man who doesn't secretly long to be James Bond."

221B: John stays

BBC Sherlock

Rating: PG

Spoilers: for Hounds of Baskerville



John doesn't stop walking away when Sherlock tells him: "I don't have friends. I've just got one." Even though it's a brilliant line, and Sherlock knows it. He's spent his life getting away with murder – well, perhaps not murder, but some fairly close approximations - because he can always win people round. Molly, Mrs Hudson, even Gregory Lestrade: he always knows how to charm them just enough to make up for his previous bad behaviour.

John only stops walking when Sherlock tells him that he's helping solve the case. John doesn't find Sherlock charming. John thinks he's amazing, but also that he's an idiot. He points out sardonically when Sherlock's showing off or trying to be cool or been wrong in his deductions. So why does John stay? For the thrill? But he stays even when there's no case and Sherlock's brain is eating itself from the inside. And when the cases aren't exciting but horrifying, traumatic.

Because he's helping other people, of course. Louise Mortimer barely knows John, but it's him she begs to stop Henry Knight, not the police. So John goes out and disarms an unstable man with a gun, because that's what he does. John stays, Sherlock realises, because of people like Henry. People who desperately need someone to rely on who is kind as well as brave.